Anticipation.
Hopeful for a bloody Valentine.
Enjoyment.
More sentimental mush than slasher.
In Retrospect.
Better luck next Valentine’s Day!
At the risk of sounding like a recently cancelled murderous clown creator, I’m tired of big studio horror movies haphazardly attempting to wrestle with trauma, grief or throw a pseudo-feminist spin on everything. The promise of Heart Eyes, Josh Ruben’s Valentine slasher where the serial killer is armed with an emoji-inspired mask and a big knife, sounded devoid of sentiment and therefore perfect. Unfortunately Heart Eyes is so vacuous and confused that it can’t even decide if it’s cynical or sentimental about love itself.
At the center of this misguided mix of romantic comedy and slasher movie is Ally (Olivia Holt), a guarded young woman in advertising who believes her dashing coworker Jay (Mason Gooding) is threatening her job. While Jay’s entire personality seems to be being helpful and kind to the point of annoyance, Ally’s main traits revolve around stalking her ex on Instagram and an “eco-conscious” attitude which manifests in the form of her trusty metal straw that never leaves her side. Of course this pair are relentlessly thrust together till their undeniable “chemistry” (a question I’ve been asking since Notting Hill, is there chemistry or are the actors just hot?) draws the attention of the titular killer targeting couples. The pair continuously scream that they’re “not a couple” at their approaching murderer until the enemies-to-lovers trope has been beaten to death with more force than most of the movie.
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To introduce a new slasher killer, audiences need something more than a fun mask with glowing red heart eyes. We already have Jason and Michael Myers delivering their stoney silence, Ghostface has the sarcastic wit and Art the Clown offers a sick mime humour. But Heart Eyes is as empty as the holiday he’s themed around, and no amount of heart-based weaponry makes up for watching the same slow intentional walk of masked killers. It’s not even clear what Heart Eyes’ motive is beyond his desire to kill couples – the film opens with him targeting an influencer couple staging their proposal for Instagram, implying a hatred of fakery, but for the rest of the runtime Heart Eyes concentrates their pursuit on those with a genuine connection.
The killer – much like the film itself – can’t decide whether it’s cynical or infatuated by this Hallmark holiday, trying to make a differentiation between the fakers and real love. Half the time attachment theory is a throwaway comment making online therapy speak the butt of the joke, except of course when Ally and Jay are opening up to one another. Not only can the film not decide where it stands on “true love” (a cookie cutter concept in itself) but Heart Eyes seems unsure of the balance it wants to strike between romance and bloodshed. Between a Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion homage, a sickeningly sweet meet-cute and even an unnecessary fashion show, plus aesthetic choices that make the whole film look like a Pretty Little Thing advert, Heart Eyes ends up feeling as fake as the optics-obsessed couples it claims to hate.
