Transformers: The Last Knight

Review by Adam Woodward @AWLies

Directed by

Michael Bay

Starring

Anthony Hopkins Laura Haddock Mark Wahlberg

Anticipation.

Fifth time’s a charm?

Enjoyment.

So many questions…

In Retrospect.

Insultingly poor.

Michael Bay once again puts the ‘bro’ in Hasbro with this staggeringly incoherent Arthurian epic.

Transformers: The Last Knight, the fifth and by no means final film in the Transformers live-action series, throws up many questions. Questions like: Where do Transformers come from? What is their true purpose? Why does Merlin look like Stanley Tucci? Is history bullshit? Why is there a subplot involving a hispanic orphan girl and a Johnny 5 knock-off? Are they still making those Transformers action figures? Can Transformers love? What happens when they die?

Why did Anthony Hopkins just fat-shame a complete stranger? Does Michael Bay hate science? Why did NASA agree to this? Why is John Goodman Transformer constantly smoking a cigar? Is Mark Wahlberg emoji illiterate? If the Transformers always assume vehicle form, and they’ve secretly been on Earth for 1600 years, then what form did they take before humans invented machines? And where have they been hiding all this time? Are human beings machines too? Did Transformers start World War Two?

Why is Mark Wahlberg the “chosen one”? What’s the difference between good Transformers and bad Transformers? Do Transformers feel pain? Why do they enjoy playing basketball so much? Who still watches these films? Is China to blame? How did they manage to make Optimus Prime so lame? Why do some Transformers use medieval weapons when they’re equipped with massive guns? Is Stephen Hawking a member of the Illuminati? Are we alone in the universe? If Transformers are sentient beings, do they have souls? Do they dream?

Has Anthony Hopkins ever used a mobile phone in real life? Why is the most trigger-happy Transformer wearing red cross tabards? Why are there pet-sized Transformers? Do they eventually become regular-sized? What’s John Turturro doing in Cuba? Does Michael Bay hate cinema? How did this film cost $260 million? Why does it hate women? Is Anthony Hopkins the only one who knows there’s a secret entrance to 10 Downing Street? Why are so many Transformers crude racial stereotypes? Why does one Transformer speak with a French accent?

Do Transformers have emotions? If the Transformers’ god is also a robot, who or what created it? Why does Mark Wahlberg keep referring to the orphan girl as “bro”? Why is there a butler Transformer? Are teenage boys actually interested in Arthurian legend, Nazis and Stonehenge these days? Did they purposely time the release of Transformers: The Last Knight to coincide with the Summer Solstice? Why is it in 3D? Are Ridley Scott’s lawyers watching? If the Transformers eat, do they also excrete waste? Why are there Transformer dinosaurs? Did Steven Spielberg sign off on this?

Is English the Transformers’ native tongue? Did the voice actors improvise their lines? How can there be six editors credited on a single film? Would Donald Trump like this film? Did Anthony Hopkins read the script? Is this Michael Bay exacting revenge for his unrealised King Arthur project? Will this ever stop? Do Transformers suffer from mental health issues? Where did that three-headed dragon come from? If life is ultimately without meaning, does that make this film meaningless too? Is Mark Wahlberg Jesus?

Published 21 Jun 2017

Tags: Mark Wahlberg Michael Bay

Anticipation.

Fifth time’s a charm?

Enjoyment.

So many questions…

In Retrospect.

Insultingly poor.

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