Transformers: The Last Knight | Little White Lies

Trans­form­ers: The Last Knight

21 Jun 2017 / Released: 22 Jun 2017

Two figures in an action-packed sci-fi scene, with explosions, smoke, and dramatic lighting.
Two figures in an action-packed sci-fi scene, with explosions, smoke, and dramatic lighting.
3

Anticipation.

Fifth time’s a charm?

2

Enjoyment.

So many questions...

1

In Retrospect.

Insultingly poor.

Michael Bay once again puts the bro’ in Has­bro with this stag­ger­ing­ly inco­her­ent Arthuri­an epic.

Trans­form­ers: The Last Knight, the fifth and by no means final film in the Trans­form­ers live-action series, throws up many ques­tions. Ques­tions like: Where do Trans­form­ers come from? What is their true pur­pose? Why does Mer­lin look like Stan­ley Tuc­ci? Is his­to­ry bull­shit? Why is there a sub­plot involv­ing a his­pan­ic orphan girl and a John­ny 5 knock-off? Are they still mak­ing those Trans­form­ers action fig­ures? Can Trans­form­ers love? What hap­pens when they die?

Why did Antho­ny Hop­kins just fat-shame a com­plete stranger? Does Michael Bay hate sci­ence? Why did NASA agree to this? Why is John Good­man Trans­former con­stant­ly smok­ing a cig­ar? Is Mark Wahlberg emo­ji illit­er­ate? If the Trans­form­ers always assume vehi­cle form, and they’ve secret­ly been on Earth for 1600 years, then what form did they take before humans invent­ed machines? And where have they been hid­ing all this time? Are human beings machines too? Did Trans­form­ers start World War Two?

Why is Mark Wahlberg the cho­sen one”? What’s the dif­fer­ence between good Trans­form­ers and bad Trans­form­ers? Do Trans­form­ers feel pain? Why do they enjoy play­ing bas­ket­ball so much? Who still watch­es these films? Is Chi­na to blame? How did they man­age to make Opti­mus Prime so lame? Why do some Trans­form­ers use medieval weapons when they’re equipped with mas­sive guns? Is Stephen Hawk­ing a mem­ber of the Illu­mi­nati? Are we alone in the uni­verse? If Trans­form­ers are sen­tient beings, do they have souls? Do they dream?

Has Antho­ny Hop­kins ever used a mobile phone in real life? Why is the most trig­ger-hap­py Trans­former wear­ing red cross tabards? Why are there pet-sized Trans­form­ers? Do they even­tu­al­ly become reg­u­lar-sized? What’s John Tur­tur­ro doing in Cuba? Does Michael Bay hate cin­e­ma? How did this film cost $260 mil­lion? Why does it hate women? Is Antho­ny Hop­kins the only one who knows there’s a secret entrance to 10 Down­ing Street? Why are so many Trans­form­ers crude racial stereo­types? Why does one Trans­former speak with a French accent?

Do Trans­form­ers have emo­tions? If the Trans­form­ers’ god is also a robot, who or what cre­at­ed it? Why does Mark Wahlberg keep refer­ring to the orphan girl as bro”? Why is there a but­ler Trans­former? Are teenage boys actu­al­ly inter­est­ed in Arthuri­an leg­end, Nazis and Stone­henge these days? Did they pur­pose­ly time the release of Trans­form­ers: The Last Knight to coin­cide with the Sum­mer Sol­stice? Why is it in 3D? Are Rid­ley Scott’s lawyers watch­ing? If the Trans­form­ers eat, do they also excrete waste? Why are there Trans­former dinosaurs? Did Steven Spiel­berg sign off on this?

Is Eng­lish the Trans­form­ers’ native tongue? Did the voice actors impro­vise their lines? How can there be six edi­tors cred­it­ed on a sin­gle film? Would Don­ald Trump like this film? Did Antho­ny Hop­kins read the script? Is this Michael Bay exact­ing revenge for his unre­alised King Arthur project? Will this ever stop? Do Trans­form­ers suf­fer from men­tal health issues? Where did that three-head­ed drag­on come from? If life is ulti­mate­ly with­out mean­ing, does that make this film mean­ing­less too? Is Mark Wahlberg Jesus?

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