Ex-Rent Hell presents… Taffin | Little White Lies

Ex-Rent Hell

Ex-Rent Hell presents… Taffin

25 May 2016

Words by Adam Lee Davies

Cluttered table with a video cassette, handgun, and a book cover featuring a man's portrait in monochromatic tones.
Cluttered table with a video cassette, handgun, and a book cover featuring a man's portrait in monochromatic tones.
Remem­ber when Pierce Bros­nan com­plete­ly lost his shit in this shouty parochial shoot em up?

Ex-Rent Hell is a col­umn ded­i­cat­ed to the seami­er side of the 1980s VHS boom. Each week, ERH selects a film from this cursed era and asks one sim­ple ques­tion: what went wrong?

Ex-Rent Hell usu­al­ly prefers to do its own bandy leg­work when hunt­ing down the lame turkeys plucked for this col­umn. But after being alert­ed to the drib­bling, gon­or­rhoeal hor­ror of Taf­fin by a boot­leg record­ing of Joe Hol­ly­wood’ Cor­nish and Adam Nor­folk’ Buxton’s Adam & Joe BBC6 radio show, we realised that a gold­en gift-horse had laid a lemon in our laps. Soon find­ing our­selves £0.01 (inc. P&P) the poor­er, but rich­er in every oth­er way, a dinged-up VHS tape (and apolo­getic note) winged its way in from Artie’s Artiefacts, Kala­ma­zoo Ave, Grand Rapids, MI. Your loss, Arthur, is ERH’s cher­ished boon.

Pierce Bros­nan is Mark Taf­fin (brief and imme­di­ate note to bud­ding screen­writ­ers – no tough-guy/hero has ever been called Mark. Mark is a name for a third-divi­sion foot­baller or pen­sion advi­sor). Taf­fin is a lov­able, drunk­en rogue/t­wo-fist­ed debt col­lec­tor in a small sea­side town in Coun­ty Wick­low. His rebel­lious out­sider cre­den­tials are swift­ly estab­lished by the posters of John­ny Cash and hard-drink­ing Irish snook­er ledge Alex Hur­ri­cane’ Hig­gins he has Blu-Tacked to the walls of his tum­ble­down (read: insan­i­tary) farm­house (read: cow­shed). He is Robin Hood, Jesus and Shane all put togeth­er – and looks bet­ter in Ray-Bans than any of them.

Yes, whether it’s solv­ing a pif­fling finan­cial mat­ter for the head of the local Rotary Club or help­ing a gang of lark­ing teens get one over on a com­e­dy car sales­man, Taf­fin is up to the task. It’s a rather genial line of busi­ness in which mon­ey rarely changes hands and every­thing is usu­al­ly cleared up by the time the pubs open. Taf­fin is a big-haired fish in a small, bog­gy pond, hap­py to tool around the coun­try­side in a salmon-pink Fiat cabri­o­let bear­ing a bumper stick­er that reads, My Oth­er Ride Is Your Sis­ter!’ He’s part George Michael, part Bart Simp­son, part shouty head­case, and all is well.

But when a group of Dublin busi­ness­men – led by Har­ry the Bas­tard’ – turn up with sketchi­ly out­lined plans of locat­ing a chem­i­cal plant on the local lacrosse pitch which will total­ly rein­vig­o­rate the local econ­o­my,” Taf­fin must become part Shaft, part Hen­ry Kissinger and part shouty head­case in order to sin­gle­hand­ed­ly stop their fiendish plans to regen­er­ate the com­mu­ni­ty. All of which makes Taf­fin sound like a bizarrely moti­vat­ed but com­pe­tent­ly staged inver­sion of Local Hero, when it is in fact a som­nam­bu­lant home movie of some big lads in blousons run­ning around the in woods, neck­ing Guin­ness and wad­ing through Wicklow’s many (and vast) Sun­day lunchtime strip clubs.

Our lawyers would nev­er allow us to ever imply that exces­sive alco­hol con­sump­tion was part of any film’s shoot­ing sched­ule, but Brosnan’s… wan­der­ing atten­tion’ and tran­sient accent (real­ly, even after all these years are we sure he’s Irish at all?), the fact that he habit­u­al­ly sports thick sun­glass­es dur­ing any scenes shot before lunch and a waver­ing per­for­mance that mix­es Richard Bur­ton surli­ness with Nic Cage mania all add to Taffin’s Ah, feck it!’ style of film­mak­ing. It all comes to a head in the film’s jus­ti­fi­ably infa­mous line-read­ing/in­ter­net meme Then maybe you shouldn’t be liv­ing heeeeeeeeeere!!!”

Indeed, the film’s swollen Guin­ness bud­get might well be the rea­son that the busi­ness end of the big junk­yard finale takes place entire­ly off-screen, with the resul­tant mat­te-paint­ing explo­sion wit­nessed only by an old man walk­ing his dog. It’s a sub­lime piece of com­e­dy edit­ing that, along with a late stand-up turn by Father Ted star Der­mot Mor­gan as obnox­ious blue book’ come­di­an Mick­ey Botswana and the clos­ing theme music by Chas & Dave mean that Taf­fin – the big bol­lix! – may have had the last laugh after all…

This arti­cle was orig­i­nal­ly pub­lished in LWLies 48: the Ely­si­um issue

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