Fast and Furi­ous: The next 10 years

The offi­cial title for the eager­ly await­ed eighth instal­ment in the Fast and Furi­ous series has been announced (via Vin Diesel’s Insta­gram page, no less). But don’t start your engines just yet, because ​‘Fast 8’ isn’t sched­uled for release until April 2017 – which gives us plen­ty of time to spec­u­late as to what the future might hold for the intre­pid petrol heads at the heart of this seem­ing­ly unstop­pable fran­chise. Here are a few sug­ges­tions for where the Fast and Furi­ous films could go next…

Pan-bal­lis­tic deboot. Dominic Toret­to (Vin Diesel) and Jeff Patarken (Rupert Everett) must pull off one last heist to clear their debts to a ruth­less drug lord. Unfor­tu­nate­ly Patarken has acute gas­troen­teri­tis, lead­ing to some mem­o­rable Dutch Ovens.

Address­ing con­cerns that the series glam­or­is­es dan­ger­ous dri­ving, Hobbs (Dwayne John­son) embarks on a high-octane road-safe­ty course, where he meets a woman whose breasts inflate when trav­el­ling at or just below the legal speed limit.

Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) gives a drug lord a cow in exchange for an enchant­ed muf­fler, only to dis­cov­er that it has poor aero­dy­nam­ics. He joins forces with Toret­to to per­form one last heist in a par­al­lel dimen­sion where fast things are used as cur­ren­cy, only to accu­mu­late immense debts by dri­ving in the wrong direction.

Sean Boswell (Lucas Black) is shrunk to the size of a pint of milk. Stow­ing away con­spic­u­ous­ly in Jor­dana Brewster’s hair, he offers con­stant and increas­ing­ly pes­simistic appraisals of his own men­tal health.

The attempt to bring Sean Boswell back to full man-size back­fires when only his tes­ti­cles are restored to their orig­i­nal stature. Boswell quick­ly learns that a full com­ple­ment of semen being emp­tied through a ure­thra no wider than a human hair caus­es unimag­in­able pain and veloc­i­ties that are inter­nal­ly inju­ri­ous to his lovers. Boswell is incon­solable until he notices that the laser-like ejac­u­la­tions can shear through glass and he decides to car­ry out one last heist.

Toret­to is forced into a flat­share with a furi­ous lance cor­po­ral and a shape-shift­ing robot, nei­ther of which seem keen on help­ing him per­form one last heist. That is, until a ruth­less drug lord begins drink­ing the milk they’ve left out in the back gar­den, and shows his grat­i­tude by lay­ing a gigan­tic egg con­tain­ing a Lam­borgh­i­ni Countach.

They saved the most auda­cious heist till last. Toret­to, The FBI, Sean Boswell and 6000 druglo­rds (each more ruth­less than the last) trav­el to the rings of Sat­urn, where they encounter a rare microbe that reacts to pure-grade hero­in by trav­el­ling at 230mph. Build­ing a car out of the foul-smelling bac­te­ria and steal­ing enough hero­in to fuel it from the drug lords in a series of tiny last heists, Boswell returns to Earth. In a state of irra­tional eupho­ria induced by a lack of oxy­gen and an abun­dance of hero­in, Boswell places sec­ond in the blood­i­est Tour de France on record.

Then, in the first musi­cal finale, Tej (Ludacris) sings ​‘I Like Bread and But­ter’ to the drug lords and learns the spir­it of true self-sac­ri­fice when he leads them all, in a goose-step­ping drug baron con­ga, through a smoky door and into the sand­worm desert from Beetle­juice. As the door slams shut, the cred­its roll and the audi­ence are invit­ed to look inside their hearts by an out-of-char­ac­ter Vin Diesel, who con­fides that he and the entire cast have been dead for nine years, but their pact with Satan means that they can­not be at rest or stop mak­ing these movies until peo­ple stop com­ing to fuck­ing see them for Christ’s sake.